The Man Who Invented Food Pills

I got a call from the city.  Dan the Mailman had landed me an early birthday present, an interview, and was rambling furiously. 

"The Doctor, he's got to be in his seventies, maybe eighties, and he's been delivering the mail for years, the past eight years I've worked there at least" he sputtered, virtually out of breath in his enthusiasm.  I told him I was skeptical. 

"That's nothing.  I haven't even gotten to the good part.  The Doctor is perfectly healthy and yet he hasn't eaten food in years.  The Doctor is the man who invented Food Pills." 

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It was a long drive from the coast to the city and I had questions.  Flaws in the story.  I am cynical on most days.  When I arrived Dan was ready to answer the first question on my mind, before I even asked it.

"You're wondering how come The News isn't all over this.  The Doctor will probably tell us his story today because he doesn't know you're going to write about it.  Don't mention your blog.  Don't mention anything.  Try not to talk at all."

I told Dan that I get it and thanked him again for setting up the meet.   

"I told the Doctor you are giving up a failed career at music and applying for a steady job at the post office."

"Why?"

"Because details are important in a good lie"  

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"Stomach problems.  I couldn't eat hardly anything anyways"

The Doctor's explanation as to Why he didn't want to eat food anymore actually made more sense than I expected it to.  My questions had all nearly been answered so I tried to bait him.  "I love to cook.  It's cathartic.  You don't like to cook, Doctor?"

"My wife & I used to cook the most delicious meals together, nearly every night.  After she died, it just wasn't...." his voice trailed off.  I felt like an ass for asking for him that.

"Then I found Science" the Doctor said smiling.  His eyes lifted and brightened.  "We all know what you need: protein, vitamin C, calcium... I don't want to bore you with lists.  My compounds are laid out in detail in my journals.  The brass tax of it all is that I don't eat anything but my food pills anymore, since about the time your friend Dan started on.  He didn't believe me then, and I don't think he does now." 

Dan smiled.  "I'm gaining interest.  Tell him the best part." 

"The best part is that my stomach problems are gone..." the Doctor began to answer, but Dan interrupted him, "Don't hold back now Doc" 

"Shit.  I haven't the need to defecate anymore.  In years.  My pills are perfectly designed that my body absorbs the exact amounts of each element.  For years the formulas have been adjusted, to maintain this wonderful and unexpected side effect."

I was puzzled.  "You haven't eaten any food, or taken a shit, in years?" 

"That's right."  His answer was calm and seemed genuine.  "Your next question about mass marketing Food Pills is unnecessary because I have no interest in the work it would take to custom tailor the pills for each individual client.  In fact, I've grown bored of the subject altogether, but I am willing to assume my vintage Martin guitar will pique your interest?" 

The Doctor again, was correct.

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On the ride home Dan broke a long silence, "I won't be as extreme about it as the Doctor is.  We can still go out for dinner on weekends with the girls, or whatever.  On occasion."