Waiter

It was only four hours waiting for her

and it wasn't "bad"

(because there is no such thing as Bad or Good)

I drew some doodles and wrote some poems

(I tried to ignore the lingering Infinite Sadness)

I read Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness"

and at one point he hits on Restraint

-specifically the restraint of the hungry cannibals,
the lack of restraint by Kurtz, etc-

and I thought about restraint in my own life

and came up with this very blog

in that my Worst stories are probably my Best stories
and that I restrain myself from posting them

if you asked me in public why I restrain from writing them here I would lie, right to your face, something like this:

-that the goal for this space is to emit Positive energy into the Universe, via words
-that this space should inspire my young students if they were to come across it

when the private reasons are a bit harsher:

-to not embarrass my family
-to create a revised autobiography

Conrad did the same thing. Shot himself the chest during a low point. His autobiography reads that the scar on his chest came from a wound suffered in a duel. How honorable! Much nicer than a suicide attempt. Don't believe everything you read. Especially here.

so I began compiling a list of the worst things I've ever done and was 6 or 7 deep when she texted that she was done and looking for me.

Some of the other women had come out quite shaken over the course of the four hours and I can admit it was entertaining to witness but not her... she had a quietly confident apathy about the whole ordeal that was downright inspiring. She is beautiful.