If You've Got Them: An Open Letter to The Cigarette Companies

The best thing that developed out of a failed surgery one year ago

is that I was instructed to stop smoking for 2 weeks prior to surgery and 2 weeks post

one year has passed and I have not smoked a single cigarette

which inspired me to write this:

*****

Dear The Cigarette Companies,

 I haven't smoked a cigarette in one year.

 If they were less expensive that probably wouldn't be true.

Love,
Joe

Knowledge is Infinite

Recently I can't shake the idea

that every piece of NEW information or knowledge

comes with an EXPONENTIAL amount of information or knowledge that I don't yet understand

my analogy for this situation is that of a map of a level in a video game:

the map is dark except the square you are on and a few squares around you.  as you advance, your character moves one square at a time but the map is illuminated ten squares at a time, and you begin to see all your different options.

and you'll never hit them all
because this particular map goes on infinitely

A Shouted Conversation With the Youth of Gloucester Concerning the Earth

It was Saturday night, half past midnight. (Editor's Note: It was Sunday morning)  The city was jammed earlier in the evening when we loaded in, so the truck was parked down at the Harbor Loop.  Retrieving the vehicle was a nice walk after a nice gig.  Until...

We came up on the loop and there was a truck full of youths. I could see the driver and the passenger in the back seat on the drivers side, who promptly dropped an empty junk food bag out of the window.

The driver yelled at us, "Do you know where to get bait?"

I was semi-disgusted by the littering and began to walk away when the driver yelled for a second time, "HEY, do you know where to get BAIT?"

and I yelled back "You shouldn't litter"

and the passenger in the back seat on the drivers side said, "What are you gonna do, write me a ticket?"

and I yelled back "You shouldn't litter"

and the passenger in the back seat on the drivers side said, "Fuck you"

and I said, "Fuck me? You're the one who littered..."

and they drove off, continuing to abuse the Earth, I assume.

Comparing Historical Family Medical Diagnosis

One of the better things we've learned about each other in eighteen months of marriage

is that when we were growing up

upon smelling a fart in the room

my Dad would say, 

"if you're sick, go to the Hospital..." 

and 20 miles away 

her Mom would say,

"that means you're Healthy..."

My View of Bruce Tobey's View

A hotel is coming to Gloucester.

The Pro-Hotel people (henceforth "The Greedheads") have been in a fierce battle with the Anti-Hotel people (henceforth "The Hippies")

Bruce Tobey (former mayor, current City Council) wrote an open letter, posted in the Gloucester Times.  The reaction by the hippies via social media is what caught my attention.

(Worth Noting: I'm torn on the issue. A big ugly hotel would be big and ugly.  That said, whenever my in-laws come to town they have to crash at their daughters' house.)

Mr. Tobey, your so-called View is a steaming pile of bullshit.

Our chief financial officer has prepared a conservative estimate of the annual revenue stream that will flow to the City when the hotel is up and running. Real estate tax payments, meals tax receipts, and room tax revenues will generate more than $750,000 per year for our local government.

Are you going to stand by this theoretical 750k when the actual figures are tallied?  Your quote has a nice way of pre-empting any possible blame to your Chief Financial Officer.  Well played.

The city is about to embark on a multi-million dollar reconstruction of the water and sewer systems that serve the Fort. Construction of the hotel will generate the payment to the city of many of those dollars, some from the developer and others from a state economic development grant prompted by the hotel’s construction. 

Your city is about to embark on a multi-million dollar sewer system reconstruction project that is supposed to be paid for by a hotel that doesn't exist yet?

The hotel’s business plan has clearly demonstrated that its operation will create 150 jobs for a city with an unemployment rate higher than the state average.

Two fair points, but they are not connected.  You cannot guaruntee these 150 jobs will go to Gloucester residents.  Can you?

A well-established team has come forward with a concrete plan to create a building and a business that would enhance any community, and it has been identified by other entrepreneurs as a lynchpin to their efforts to launch us into a bright new biosciences-based economic future. That future will be jeopardized by continued opposition.

 If your team is as well-established as you describe, why would they back down in the face of opposition?  If they can't stand the heat in the kitchen perhaps their plan is not as concrete as you think.

 In summation: The Hippies said that your rallying of the masses to angrily confront them was an indirect attack on their First Amendment rights, and they wanted to sue you.  I told them to tear apart your half-assed letter instead.  They didn't, so I did.

Knights of Rock

Adapted from an idea The Mailman had and gave me permission to adapt. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

On May 1st, 2013 the city of London was attacked. By large dragons.

Buildings were destroyed and many people died, including Kate Middleton, Prince Harry, Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, and David Beckham. David Beckham definitely died. 

The following day we learned that small dragons had been attacking the countryside of England, killing civilians. This story was not as widely reported. 

still Prince William had no choice, he had to call upon the only people who could save his countrymen and hopefully his job too: 

The Knights of Rock

-Sir Elton John

-Sir Paul McCartney

-Sir Mick Jagger

P: Listen up chaps

E: How come you're in charge?

M: Keith killed a dragon once

E: Mick the adults are talking now why don't you go into the other room and practice your dance moves

P: Thanks Elton. I'm in charge because Prince William said so before that dragon ate him. 

E:  Where do you think these dragons are coming from? 

P:  Romania.

E:  Great that's really helpful. Wait... how do you know that?

P:  Harry Potter.

E: (sighs) Now I know why Bowie refused...

Ian:  Sorry I'm late! 

E:  Sir Ian McKellan!  Thank God you're here and also wearing your Gandalf robes.

I:  Mick, shape up and use your giant lips to breathe fire back AT the dragons.  Paul, get ready for battle, grab your Wings.  Elton, come with me... 

coming soon maybe...Knights of Rock Part 2: A Plea to David Bowie

An Open Letter to Mr. Pittella: Why Did We Watch Braveheart in 6th Grade?

Mr. Pittella

 Braveheart came on the cable tv recently

 rewatching movies these days I pull up the laptop.  who directed this film?  what was the budget to box office ratio?  any quirky production or casting facts?

 and what I came across for Braveheart is this: 

 one of the most historically inaccurate movies of all time

 The dichotomy of this fact vs. my introduction to the film being in your sixth grade class was not lost on me, and the first question my mind asked itself was, What would Mr. Pittella say about all this fifteen years later?

 Why did we watch Braveheart in your class?

---------------------------------

 The other thing I remember about sixth grade was a kickball game against Mr. Nodelman's class. 

 We gambled in the currency of middle school:  the losing class would have to buy the winning class pizza, and lots of it. 

 Pittella, you had us in lines doing jumping jacks outside their windows while they were studying. I remember.

 we got weird, we psyched them out and we won. 

 we won bad and we ate their pizza.

 Did Nodelman make his kids pay or did he ante up himself?*

 The moral of the story is that you can't facilitate sixth graders gambling on a kickball game in America anymore. I'm glad we grew up in a different world and had that opportunity.

*I asked two friends from Nodelman's class:  

The Dancer couldn't remember and she said "he hated me cause i called him mr. noodlebutt" 

The Mailman said "I don't remember paying but I can't imagine Nodelman putting up the cash. I think you could say we had to pay."